Tuesday 6 August 2013
Random unconnected photo of the mantlepiece. Can't post without a photo and as you may gather from the post below I'm not really in the mood to try to find an illustrative photo...
This is what I'm feeling today.
This is a rant, because I'm tired and although I know I'm lucky in so many ways I can't help but sometimes just feel like I'm floundering.
I was really looking forward to school holidays and having Coco around and not doing the school run but… the days are so long. There are good moments and great moments but so much of the day is just tedious, negotiating with a five year old is tedious, activities that I've planned don't go to plan, or only last a max of 20 minutes. I do a bit of what Coco wants, we bounce on the trampoline and play tag, it's fun, I vow to myself I will do more pelvic floor exercises and go to pilates - like I've promised myself 100 times or more - then I feel annoyed that I never do do these things, I'm tired, theres no time, if I've got the money to spend on pilates classes maybe I should use it on childcare instead? The game ends (I'm seeing stars need the loo and a drink). Great, that killed all of seven minutes of the day.
Today I wanted a nice cup of tea badly. A nice milky cup of tea. But I didn't want it badly enough that I'm going to go into the supermarket for a pint of milk with two children on the loose - even when I'm paused on the threshold. Surely they'd be ok outside on their own? Ok, I'll drink it black. Yuk.
I catch Coco hitting Henry, I know he probably did kick at her as she is protesting he did but I loose my temper, I'm saying the wrong things… (Where is super nanny when you need her?) I feel bad, but not bad enough to read that book again for the tenth time today. Oh, now I feel worse.
I'm bothered by the mess and the disorganisation around me and yet I can't/don't do anything about it.
I need to reply to emails and send birthday cards and presents and arrange to see friends who I don't often get the chance to meet up with in school term time (and be a good friend, rather than a moany Mertle). I need to tidy papers and pay bills and sort out dirty washing and clean washing and clean out our disgusting fridge, to sync my phone with my computer and update my apps and clear some space and tidy my desktop and organise my photos and do a food shop and and and…
But I'm impotent.
Coco helps hang the washing out, Henry wants the pegs - the washing ends up on the ground. They seem to be playing nicely so I sneak off to find the card I'd put aside to send to someone and the next thing I know the bathroom is covered in water as Henry has decided to try to fill a watering can in the tiny cloakroom sink causing a tap fountain effect in the process.
I could give myself an easier life and let Henry run up an obscene water bill playing with the hose and let Coco watch TV and 'do something on the iPad' all day and feed them cereal for every meal. I might do that tomorrow, because trying to be a 'good' parent is hard in a boring kind of way, and being bored is tiring, and I'm tired.
I need something else in my life. I need to be able to justify having someone else look after my children occasionally. I'm aware of how bad that sounds (and also I don't think it will look great on a cv)…
It's coming up to three years since I left my job - a year of that time was maternity leave proper, my job was there (in theory) for me to go back to - but for nearly two years I've kind of been doing a bit of this and a bit of that. Maybe I haven't thrown myself in to anything with quite enough gusto, but then it's hard to do that when you are the primary carer, with only nap times and evenings available to build a new career, especially when your not sure what that new career is. I'm currently involved in about four projects and even if I didn't have children or a job I'm not sure I'd be able to do each one justice; but I really want to do all of them and I know I should just opt out of trying to keep all these projects going but I don't want to. Ideas come all the time but like with the boring tasks in life I can't put them into action… I probably end up prioritising this blog much more than I should. In fact I know I do - it's the one thing I have that is mine and believe me, if I just had the time it would be so much more… but I don't so I'm floundering here too.
So that is where I am today.
Now I've got that all off my chest I kind of feel a bit better.
Better get to bed, going need all the energy I can muster for tomorrow…
Normal rose tinted posts will resume shortly.