Tuesday 6 August 2013


Random unconnected photo of the mantlepiece. Can't post without a photo and as you may gather from the post below I'm not really in the mood to try to find an illustrative photo...

This is what I'm feeling today.
This is a rant, because I'm tired and although I know I'm lucky in so many ways I can't help but sometimes just feel like I'm floundering.

I was really looking forward to school holidays and having Coco around and not doing the school run but… the days are so long. There are good moments and great moments but so much of the day is just tedious, negotiating with a five year old is tedious, activities that I've planned don't go to plan, or only last a max of 20 minutes. I do a bit of what Coco wants, we bounce on the trampoline and play tag, it's fun, I vow to myself I will do more pelvic floor exercises and go to pilates - like I've promised myself 100 times or more - then I feel annoyed that I never do do these things, I'm tired, theres no time, if I've got the money to spend on pilates classes maybe I should use it on childcare instead? The game ends (I'm seeing stars need the loo and a drink). Great, that killed all of seven minutes of the day.
Today I wanted a nice cup of tea badly. A nice milky cup of tea. But I didn't want it badly enough that I'm going to go into the supermarket for a pint of milk with two children on the loose - even when I'm paused on the threshold. Surely they'd be ok outside on their own? Ok, I'll drink it black. Yuk.

I catch Coco hitting Henry, I know he probably did kick at her as she is protesting he did but I loose my temper, I'm saying the wrong things… (Where is super nanny when you need her?) I feel bad, but not bad enough to read that book again for the tenth time today. Oh, now I feel worse.

I'm bothered by the mess and the disorganisation around me and yet I can't/don't do anything about it.
I need to reply to emails and send birthday cards and presents and arrange to see friends who I don't often get the chance to meet up with in school term time (and be a good friend, rather than a moany Mertle). I need to tidy papers and pay bills and sort out dirty washing and clean washing and clean out our disgusting fridge, to sync my phone with my computer and update my apps and clear some space and tidy my desktop and organise my photos and do a food shop and and and…
But I'm impotent.
Coco helps hang the washing out, Henry wants the pegs - the washing ends up on the ground. They seem to be playing nicely so I sneak off to find the card I'd put aside to send to someone and the next thing I know the bathroom is covered in water as Henry has decided to try to fill a watering can in the tiny cloakroom sink causing a tap fountain effect in the process.

I could give myself an easier life and let Henry run up an obscene water bill playing with the hose and let Coco watch TV and 'do something on the iPad' all day and feed them cereal for every meal. I might do that tomorrow, because trying to be a 'good' parent is hard in a boring kind of way, and being bored is tiring, and I'm tired.

I need something else in my life. I need to be able to justify having someone else look after my children occasionally. I'm aware of how bad that sounds (and also I don't think it will look great on a cv)…
It's coming up to three years since I left my job - a year of that time was maternity leave proper, my job was there (in theory) for me to go back to - but for nearly two years I've kind of been doing a bit of this and a bit of that. Maybe I haven't thrown myself in to anything with quite enough gusto, but then it's hard to do that when you are the primary carer, with only nap times and evenings available to build a new career, especially when your not sure what that new career is. I'm currently involved in about four projects and even if I didn't have children or a job I'm not sure I'd be able to do each one justice; but I really want to do all of them and I know I should just opt out of trying to keep all these projects going but I don't want to. Ideas come all the time but like with the boring tasks in life I can't put them into action… I probably end up prioritising this blog much more than I should. In fact I know I do - it's the one thing I have that is mine and believe me, if I just had the time it would be so much more… but I don't so I'm floundering here too.

So that is where I am today.
Now I've got that all off my chest I kind of feel a bit better.
Better get to bed, going need all the energy I can muster for tomorrow…

Normal rose tinted posts will resume shortly.


  1. The school holidays are hard work, I can totally relate to what you are saying. It does get easier as they get a little older and you find you have more time to do your own things. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself though as I'm sure you're being a great mum.

    I must admit that I got through it by planning meticulously and having an itinery that I filled with things to do each day. I didn't always stick to it religiously but it helped me. It's not everyone's cup of tea though. I am more relaxed now my daughter is older and we go with the flow more.

  2. Ahh, you were brave to write this post. And good on you, because everyone has days like these, and then we go on Pinterest or read blogs with edited highlights of other people's lives and we feel worse.

    You know, you care and you try, and that's the part that matters and will stick with your kids and your friends. X

  3. Thanks for your honestly. Despite not having kids I still feel like this half the time, a mountain of tasks and projects yet a feeling of inertia that prevents me from actually getting on with anything. I don't have the answer, but I hope things get better for you.

  4. Um, ditto.
    Add me to your list and I'll add you to mine to catch up!
    Come n have a day by the seaside - drive! or train it and at least it's a day we can shout at our children together!

  5. I feel ya. Have you ever read the ahaparenting.com blog? It is really really good for practical tips and has totally changed my relationship and strategies with my 2 year old with amazing results xxx ha ha sounds like I am something to do with it, I'm not but would def recommend xx good luck

  6. Oh man. I am NOT looking forward to the school holidays. Cut yourself some slack and plant them in front of the tv for a bit. To me, you're supermum because you have two kids but in reality you aren't supermum (sorry) so don't put yourself down if you can't keep them entertained all the time. You need a hobby. Or a job. Why do you think I'm going back to work? I'm over this bullshit whining and hitting and I WANT I WANT and trying to keep her entertained all bloody day. Today I gave her the TV in the morning and the ipad in the afternoon because I'm so tired and trying to set this business up and tidy the house and look for another house.... SIGH. Get some wine, put them to bed and then drink the entire bottle. Want to meet up in London and let our kids go off on their own for the day?

  7. Wow - This could be me writing this . I've 2 children (5 & 3 ) and I've been a stay at home mum all that time. My youngest starts preschool in September so the end is insight for me . I'm totally understanding everything you say here. Making this reply short as its 6.20am - any minute now my 3yr old will wake which will mean the start of my 13 hour shift (without nap breaks - there all over here ! ) good luck with your day !

  8. This. Is. Me.
    I am at my wits end. Dexy and Flo are constantly at each others throats, day in, day out pi$$ing each other off. We have been busy too, real busy but nothing is good enough. I am literally haemorrhaging money and they don't seem grateful for anything I try to do with them. The cinema was good but i'm sure that's because I just enjoyed almost two hours of peace & quite (ish). My house is a dump and it doesn't help that we just got back from 5 days at my OCD pristine In-laws house. I'm sure i could keep my house immaculate if there was just the two of us and we had retired..... aaaarrrarrrrrraragghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

    I've totally hijacked your post here and i'm sorry (it's all about me me me *blush*) but i can't blog on mine because i've given myself two weeks off ;)

    Hang in there ((((((((virtual hug))))))))) we WILL get through this! I plan to just DRINK MORE WINE....

    Urgh. Summer stinks sometimes.

  9. OMG i just wrote a 500 words rambling essay along the lines of 'i hear ya sister' and how this is EXACTLY how I am feeling now and blogger just deleted it.
    So Arrararfgahgskjshgdf;kaehrg;k`bdsv/k`dfyg/`wKBVN?Z,XBV?KUAJVDGBZMXNCB?AKUGFE is all i can say as i facepalm my desk!

    Hang in there, we will make it through!

  10. Oh no, look it's there! Enjoy me twice then!

  11. Oh sending big *hugs*. We all have times like this. I've just put my laptop on a pile of glitter and am eating a huge bag of crisps while I feed my baby because now my other children are in bed I'm completely exhausted! Can't wait for my husband to be home to cook dinner and help me rescue a little corner of the house from the Summer holiday chaos.

    I try to list a couple of things to do each day. If I achieve them then that's brilliant and everything else can wait. I do something for the home and something for myself. So, something to help the house feel less chaotic and something to help me feel balanced.

    For things I've planned with the children, we've got a list up in the kitchen, so they can choose what they fancy on a particular day. This helps them feel motivated. I've also made some 'don't get bored' sticks with ideas of things to do and popped them in a jar. This helps them and me.

    Summer holidays aren't easy but I hope you find a way to make the most out of the weeks that are left.

    PS - I highly recommend plenty of cake (for you!) xx

  12. I had so many plans of things to do with my 5 year old. Turns out that all he wants to do is play Lego Indiana Jones on daddy's Xbox. Rationing him to one hour in morning and one hour in afternoon resulted in 8 hours of the day sighing and moaning and huffing and puffing, a little bit of stropping and 'it's not fair' - ing... *sigh* Oh well, only another 3 weeks to go ;-) x